Surprise! You’re Old!

I saw my doctor recently for my annual physical. While there, I described some minor symptoms I’ve begun to experience. “That’s just old age creeping up on you.” he said, “Nothing to worry about.” I asked him how I was supposed to know if such a condition is expected with age or if it was something unusual which should concern me. I said I’ve never been old before. We should come with an owner’s manual. He assured me that being old is not a new life experience for me as it has been coming on for some time. But this exchange got me to wondering, as I sat on the cusp of my seventy-second birthday; when does one officially cross over into that world of geezerdom?  

Aging is a process which begins at birth and takes us through several stages, but at what point would someone officially be considered old? AARP begins to chase us relentlessly at 50. Many retailers, grocers and service providers offer discounts to senior citizens but at varying ages ranging from 50 to 65. A recent poll suggested one has outgrown being cool at 39 but I’m not talking about being cool; I’m talking about being old. The fact is, there is no clear line over which one will cross and one day wake up old. It creeps up on you. So, what happens in the life of an aging person that makes them realize they’re no longer a spring chicken but rather finds themselves in the dead of “winter?”  

Although we may experience many signs along the way, it can be hard to put a finger on that defining moment. For me, I suppose one early sign might have been one hot summer day several years ago when I got out and cut the grass without the protection of a hat and later realized I was sunburned on the top of my head. Since then, I have told folks that I now have two hairlines- one running horizontally above my eyebrows and another circular hairline on the crown of my head. But then I realized there were guys younger than me who had even less hair. So, hair count isn’t it. 

Then there was the time after we had de-decorated the house and returned all the Christmas decorations to their designated storage boxes. My wife unapologetically said she would call one of our sons to come over and return the boxes to the attic. She no longer wanted me climbing the stairs to the attic while carrying oversize plastic boxes. Clearly, she saw me on the south side of ageing. But that’s still not it. Actually, I became aware of my ageing body long before that day. 

So, what brought about this epiphany? It was actually a friend and former co-worker that made me realize

I had begun sliding down that hill. Todd was about 23 years old when he came to work with me as a safety consultant at ELB and Associates in Chapel Hill, NC. He was a smart kid, in spite of his Clemson education, and showed promise of being a very good safety consultant. The only problem was, he was recently married and interested in starting a family. I hated to see Todd leave but, because of the frequent travel requirements, I would never recommend a consulting career for someone in his situation. His young bride convinced him to seek other opportunities and it wasn’t long before he landed a job in the safety department at Universal Studios theme park in Orlando. 

Not long before this, OSHA had issued what I feel is arguably the second most complex safety standard in their history…the standard on working in confined spaces. On behalf of his new employer, Todd called one day and asked if I would come to Universal Studios and identify all the confined spaces into which maintenance employees may be required to enter. I was more than happy to do so for several reasons. First, I enjoyed working with this new standard. I knew it well and found it fun and challenging. Second, I would have a chance to visit my young friend, and best of all, I would get an in-depth behind the scenes look at a major theme park. 

As we were planning my visit to Orlando, Todd told me we wouldn’t be able to begin our park tour until the park closes at 10 PM. No problem, I thought. Well, as Biff “Mad-Dog” Tannen (from Back to the Future III) would say, “You thought wrong, dude.” Aside from the fact I had not yet learned the concept of working smart, one of my weaknesses is a failure to adequately plan ahead. I suppose that’s why I was always such a terrible chess player. You can’t be a good chess player if you don’t think ahead. Anyway, without giving any thought to my age, I saw no problems with spending the day in the office working and then going to the airport to catch a plane to Orlando followed by an all-night tour of a major theme park.  

In Orlando, Todd picked me up at the airport around 6 PM and took me to a nearby Cracker Barrel for supper. Did you ever wonder what’s the difference between supper and dinner? Simple; you have supper at Cracker Barrel or Bubba’s Taco Emporium, and you have dinner at Ruth’s Chris. We had supper. 

We then went to the park where we sat around catching up until closing time. 

It’s Showtime! 

At the witching hour, we hit the streets of Universal Studios. Things started out okay and I was having a blast climbing up inside the head of a giant Kong and going underground behind the earthquake simulator. But I guess it was somewhere around 1 AM and I realized I was having a hard time keeping up with this kid who was half my age. To me, it looked like he was running pass patterns for the Dallas Cowboys…darting here and there 10 yards ahead of me and changing directions like a disc in a Plinko game. I wanted to suggest he slow down but was unable to get enough wind to push the words out my mouth. And then there was that macho pride thing. All I could think about was something the late sportscaster Billy Packer once said while calling a Duke/UNC basketball game. He said when you see players late in the game leaning forward and grabbing the bottom of their shorts holding their hands on their knees, they’re tired. If I had been wearing shorts at the time, I’d have been grabbing them. 

Sweet Relief 

We finally finished and I don’t know that I have ever been so happy to complete a job. Todd then took me back to the airport around 5 AM where I caught a plane back home. I got inside the house but never made it past the couch where I slept away the better part of the day. That’s the day I realized that age was more than just a number; it’s a butt-kicker.