Never Turn Your Back on an Imp!

20 06 2018

It was a year ago, almost to the day, I introduced you to my one and only grandson, Cody. The story (posted July

If you didn’t want me to bite it, you shouldn’t have left it where I can reach it.

2, 2017), you may recall, was to tell you about his pronouncement to the family, he had reached two-hood by climbing up the outside of the staircase at home. Moreover, the post was to expound on his perfection of boyhood as he is, still, the quintessential boy. No doubt, if you look up “boy” in Wiki or any other pedia, you’ll see Cody’s picture. Well, I guess, as he approaches his third birthday, he decided he wanted to say good-bye to two in proper fashion.

 

This past week, while at daycare, the ever-rambunctious Cody apparently became curious about the wall-mounted fire alarm and decided to give it a pull. Bells rang, teachers scurried, toddlers screamed, the building evacuated, and the fire department arrived to handle the “emergency!!” And, before he even gets into elementary school, Cody found himself in the principal’s office getting the first of what I am sure will be many lectures.

 

To quote my son in his text, “He’s already filled his resume with things like teaching the whole class how to spit,

Who puts fire alarms in a daycare where a 2-year old can reach them?

making his first girlfriend a preschool teacher, disrupting any serious moment with his class-clown antics, and jumping off a 4-feet [sic] tall playhouse when he was 2 because he said, ‘dats cool daddee.’”

 

My wife and I remember times when we longed for the day when our sons would get their payback. Well, for one son at least, that day has come…in spades! Sorry, son, but we didn’t mean for you to get a truck load all at once.

Child’s play!

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Biker Duck

10 06 2018

In 1995, singer/song-writer/composer, Neil Sedaka wrote his own lyrics which he then put to several pieces from classical masters such as Tchaikovsky, Chopin and Beethoven. So, more recently, I decided to take the classic duck walks into a bar routine and write my own joke but put to poetry. It’s just a little verse that simply popped into my head one day.

 

A duck walked into a biker bar                                        

And said he’d like a beer.

The bar-keep said, “We don’t serve ducks,

Now waddle out of here.”

So parched and lonely he left the bar

And returned the very next day.

The bar tender told him, “We only serve bikers

You need to go away.”

But never one to be deterred                                                   

The duck returned once more

He gave the bartender his toughest look     

As he waddled through the door.

“Barkeep, a round for the house!”

He yelled with a snarly grin

Then come outside and show me

Where I can park my Schwinn.

 





My PC Has Gone PC!

27 05 2018

Who could forget this modern marvel?

The personal computer first became available in 1981. At the time, I was the safety director for the City of Durham, North Carolina and as my co-workers were surrendering their IBM Selectric typewriters for new IBM computers and struggling to learn new terminology such as MS-DOS, RAM and floppy, I was doing all within my power to avoid letting anyone put one of those infernal contraptions on my desk. My hope was to be able to complete my working career and reach retirement before this new technology was forced upon me. Of course, that didn’t happen. Technology moved faster than crap through a goose.

 

Not only was technology trucking along at warp speed, the world was also changing socially. The workplace was no longer accepting of “blue humor,” and rightfully so. The office is not an appropriate venue for off-color jokes or innuendo, particularly in mixed company. Long gone is the pin-up tool calendar hanging in the maintenance manager’s office. And while these are positive changes, somewhere along the way, progressives (see definition below) decided to take it to the extreme and, political correctness was born, and with it, the nation of the offended.

 

Anti-Ridiculous, Not Anti-Progress

Until recently, I considered myself a rebel. A holdout against political correctness. An advocate for normal speech. By that, I mean, I still use gender-specific terms like freshman, ladies and gentlemen, and husband and wife. I still refer to a dead guy as a dead guy and not a permanently static post-human mass. I still call a lady a lady. And don’t even think of inviting me to speak at your commencement because I will invoke the name of Jesus while on your campus. If someone is deaf, I will say he is deaf. Oh, but then some hyper-sensitive progressive would likely correct me, saying, “He’s hearing impaired.” Excuse me, libiot, Merriam-Webster (FYI-that’s the paper version of Wikipedia.) defines deaf as, “lacking or deficient in the sense of hearing.” He lacks the ability to hear! He’s deaf!

 

Anyone who uses a computer is familiar with spell-check and auto-correct-those helpful yet annoying features of Microsoft Word that automatically correct our spelling errors or replace the words we want to use with those Microsoft thinks we want to use. Well, recently, I had an experience that I couldn’t believe, although I shouldn’t have been surprised. It was one of those head-smack’n moments when you suddenly realize the absurdity of something and smack your hand against your forehead.

 

I was using my work computer to write something about confined spaces. I typed in the word “manhole.” Immediately, a red underscore appeared below “manhole” along with a message box. The message was suggesting I use gender-neutral language such as “a utility access hole.” How dare it! A machine telling me to be politically correct! I won’t take that from my mama; I’m certainly not going to take it from a plastic box full of doo-dads and doo-hickeys held together by screws and solder.

This is PC run amok!

 

As a result, I no longer consider myself a mere rebel. I am now a crusader against political correctness. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before artificial intelligence takes over completely. Hopefully, I’ll be raptured before that happens.

 

Progressive: a left-leaning loon who goes to extreme measures to shove their own ideology down the throats of normal people. Progressives can usually be found loitering in large clusters at college faculty lounges, newspaper offices and Barbra Streisand film festivals.





I Could Care Less!

20 05 2018

I could care less. That’s not right. Yet, so many people say it that way. The correct term is, I couldn’t care less. To say, I could care less, implies that it is possible for me to care less than I do. It says, I have more care to give. If I’m trying to express the fact that something is of absolutely no concern to me, then I would want folks to understand that I could not (couldn’t) care any less than I already do because my bag of care regarding a given issue is empty. I have no more caring. I couldn’t care less.

 

Think of it this way. I could not care any less about the royal wedding than I already do. If so then I could care less. But, because I am at the abyss of caring about the royal wedding, it is impossible for me to care any less. Therefore, I couldn’t care less about the royal wedding. I couldn’t care less what the bride was wearing. I couldn’t care less how much was spent on the wedding. I couldn’t care less where everyone sat. I couldn’t care less who was invited. Any questions?





Whoa! That was Weird!

4 05 2018

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has those moments when you realize what just happened and you just say, “Whoa! That was weird!” For example: Major League Baseball fans will remember Dale Murphy, all-star outfielder for the Atlanta Braves back in the 80s. I would turn the channel to TBS to see the Braves game or just come upon it while surfing the channels and every time, without fail, Dale Murphy would be at bat-not Ozzie Virgil; not Rafael Ramirez; not Glenn Hubbard or Bob Horner-but always, Dale Murphy. It was uncanny.

 

Or, I might see a road sign indicating my exit is three-quarters of a mile away. When I read the sign my immediate thought, as would be most Top Gun fans, is something like, “Call the ball,” or “Maverick has the ball,” both, lines from the movie Top Gun. Then I get to my hotel room, turn the television on and Top Gun is playing on TV.

 

And, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen or heard something that made me think of a movie I haven’t seen in years only to have that movie show up on television within the next few minutes or hours. Or like last night when I was mixing up a marinade, I yelled to my wife in the other room, as I stood befuddled in front of the open refrigerator, “Do we have any soy sauce?” At the exact same moment, I said soy sauce, I heard it on television. It was if I were lip-syncing the words.

he ball,

One recent Saturday morning, I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom, as always, with a song in my head. It was one of those songs that you just can’t get rid of and keeps playing over and over in your head until you feel it’s going to drive you crazy. In the shower, it played. Cooking breakfast, it played. While I ate, it played. All morning long, it kept playing. I tried to recall if I had heard the song recently but, it being an old country song from 1973, I could not recall when I even had an opportunity to hear it. So, I jumped into the car to make my regular Saturday morning grocery store run and when I started the car and turned on the radio, that song was playing-not just playing but it picked up at the same place in the song in which it was playing inside my head! It was as if my head had been tuned into Sirius. I sat for a moment and thought, “Whoa! That’s weird!”

Anything like this ever happen to you? Tell me about your weird experiences.





Jesus Paid it All

8 04 2018

I was going to post these as two separate posts. I then realized they go hand-in-hand, and, to me at least, seem to work well together as a single post.

 

This morning I read from Ezra 3:3, “And they set the altar upon his bases; for fear was upon them because of the people of those countries: and they offered burnt offerings thereon unto the Lord, even burnt offerings morning and evening.” (KJV)

 

God’s children, about 50,000 strong, had just returned to Jerusalem after having been released from 70 years of captivity in Babylon. The surrounding community was filled with a hodgepodge of people whom the Israelites feared. But, they had learned to trust in God. So, the first thing they did upon their return to Jerusalem was not to build fortifications or defenses, but instead, they built an altar so they could immediately begin to worship God. But notice what the passage says…”and they offered burnt offerings thereon unto the Lord, even burnt offerings morning and evening.”

 

Burnt offerings were offerings of atonement. Before the Crucifixion, believers sought forgiveness by burning a sacrificial animal, such as a lamb. The offerings were in recognition of their sin and the aromatic smoke rising skyward was symbolic of lifting those sins to God. Because Jesus took our sins upon Himself and was crucified, we are no longer required to offer animal sacrifices. Instead, we can go straight to Him and simply ask for forgiveness.

 

When I read this passage, the first thought that came to mind was Luke 9:23. This is where Jesus tells us that if we want to follow Him, we have to take up our cross daily and follow Him. In other words…every single day…not just on Sunday morning. Every day we have to fight off the temptations of a worldly life and try to live like Jesus. We need to ask God to forgive us of our sins, such as when you called in sick to stay home and watch March Madness (Thou shalt not lie); or when you failed to give God credit for all the good things that have happened to you or your accomplishments. These are blessings and all good things come from above. Or, when you were disrespectful to your spouse, your child, your parent, etc.

 

Living by Faith

That brings me to one of my favorite scripture passages, which comes from Galatians 2:20, “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” (KJV)

 

When you stop and break it down, you can see that verse packs an awful lot into a single sentence.

 

When Jesus went to the cross, in His 33rd year on earth, He had not committed a single sin; but, then, a miracle occurred. Jesus took the sins of the world upon Himself; and, when He died on the cross, the sins of the world died with him. That’s not to say there would be no more sin. That is saying that He paid the penalty for the sins we commit even today. Then, three days after He was crucified, He rose from death. He had a new body; one which had been cleansed of the sins He bore.

 

In the same way, when we accept Christ as our personal Savior, that is our crucifixion-our old lives die and we are raised to a new life to walk with God in faith. Through the Holy Spirit, He indwells us as we live a life based on faith in Him.

 

Remember to go to Christ every day to ask for forgiveness, guidance and strength to resist the temptations of a worldly and sinful life.





Our Heavenly Home

18 03 2018

If you’ve ever built a house, you can remember the excitement you felt as the builder neared completion. Time seemed to stand still as you anticipated the day you would be able to move in. And, when that big day finally came, you were filled with excitement as you made decisions on where to place furniture, who got which room, and just setting up your household.

 

At the trumpet sound, we’ll be going home!

The night before He was crucified, Jesus told the disciples, in John 14, that He was going to go on ahead and build a house for each of them and all followers. He, then, promised He would come back one day to get all of His faithful believers and take us to our new home, which will be located in God’s presence. We’ll be able to live there eternally.

 

Prophecy is being fulfilled, meaning, God has nearly completed our heavenly home and it won’t be long before Jesus returns for us. In fact, I don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to get excited because I know it could happen at any moment.