A Fracking Good Tale

22 11 2015

My wife thinks I’m warped because things like the following just come to me. Here’s a piece I wrote for a friend which he used on his radio show. I hope you can enjoy it.


For a while it was feared the Fokker Fracking Company of Fairmont, Florida would be forking over a lot of cash to reimburse a local fig farmer, Mr. Fred Farnsworth, from Fremont. Fokker Fracking owner, Frank Fokker, stated on Friday, February first, he felt he was being framed after a foul-smelling froth began flowing from the fracking drill site. Fellow farmers, feeling flustered, feared Fokker would flee to Florida. An activist group, Friends of Fracking, flocked to Fokker’s defense claiming Fokker had filled the fracking hole with concrete and feels the froth is the result of foul play on the part of farmer Fred, or some of his farming friends. Mr. Farley Funderburke, a Fremont philanthropist and fracking advocate, forged a deal with the First Federal Mutual Funding and Fidelity Financial Corporation of Fremont to fund Mr. Fokker’s defense.


Felix Fitzsimmons, IV, of the Fremont County district attorney’s office, called in federal investigators and said if even the faintest fraction of froth flows from the fracking hole, he will file felony charges against Fokker and his co-owner sister, Fern, faster than a five-legged dog chasing a forlorn feline.


It was later learned that the anti-fracking faction, Freedom from Fracking, led by Falkner Fleckenstein, Phd., and member of the faculty at Fremont College, had filled the fracking hole with the froth which was actually a mixture of flour and five thousand fizzies in hydraulic fluid. For a while everyone was fooled by Professor Fleckenstein’s felonious act of tree huggery which landed him in the pokey for five years.


Froth samples were taken to the Federal Laboratory over in Fairbush where it was found to be fake, proving the whole fiasco was a fraud.  Tests also showed the fracking hole to be froth-free, forever relieving the Fokkers of any fiscal liability.


As for farmer Fred, he was found to be innocent of any wrongdoing and freed to return to his fig farm. As he left the Federal Building in Fairbush, farmer Fred was quoted as saying, “I ain’t got nothing against fracking or frackers.  It was that frick’n Fleckenstien fellow that fabricated this whole story. Personally, I believe fracking’s a fad and one day they’ll all see it for the folly it is. In five years they’ll realize there’s a better and more reliable fuel source…figs. I’ve been running my Ford tractor for years on fermented figs. But for now, I’m famished after four days of prison food. Fried catfish and Fritos ain’t very filling. I just want to get back to the farm in Fremont and my wife, Fanny-Fay and some of her fine home cooking. After this fiasco, I’m not sure I can face my friends again.”




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