There Oughta be a Law!

23 01 2015

I’m still harping on the grocery store. The grocery store is proof-positive that stupid people need to eat, too. Most shoppers have enough sense and common courtesy to be mindful of their baskets and their butts. Then you have others who appear to be thinking, Well will ya look at that…food you can buy in a store. Or, Hey, what are these little rolls of paper with the cardboard tube inside for? They should be making used car commercials or standing on a street corner selling Forrest Gump chocolates.


So, I’m pushing my cart through the store trying to comply with the shopping rules of etiquette. I’m keeping my cart to the right. I’m patiently waiting behind a little old lady who is patiently waiting behind a young lady with two kids in the cart, two more running up and down the aisles and one who has fallen asleep while sitting in the floor eating a box of cherry Pop Tarts. No problem. I understand having to deal with kids even though mama and I never had that problem since our kids were perfect.


Then you’ve got the reader. That’s the one who wants to make absolutely sure there’s no monosodium glutamate or high fructose corn syrup in anything she buys, so she’ll stand there and read every word on the label. Lady, it’s a sack of potatoes. There’s nothing in it but potatoes. It wouldn’t be so bad except, she’s left her cart sitting in the middle of the aisle as if it’s her aisle and is oblivious there is anyone else in the store.


Then there’s the planner who moves down the aisle with the speed of a glacier, planning an entire week’s worth of meals. There’s always a steady stream of southbound traffic so you can’t get around her.


Then you have the impromptu prayer meeting where two friends from church run into each other in the aisle, each heading a different direction, when they decide to stop and talk. “Oh, Sally-Sue Flannigan’s got the misery again, bless her heart.”


Or, “Did you hear about Preacher Loudbarker and the organ player? It’s shameful is what it is.”


You stand there, waiting patiently, thinking they’ll see you being patient and move on. No, that’s not the case. They’re both retired and have nowhere to go or anything to do except go home and put groceries away, so they figure they need to park here and catch up. After all, they haven’t seen each other since Sunday morning.


Finally there’s the rookie. This is usually some poor schmuck whose wife is at home with the flu and he is pressed into grocery duty. He doesn’t come to the store often enough to know where everything is, so he wanders aimlessly around trying to fill his list, backtracking to pick up the things he already passed, and leaving his cart in everyone’s way. This used to be me.


I’ve decided that grocery shoppers should be required to be licensed. First, you take a two-part written test. Part one is memorization of the location of goods on the shelves. Of course Part 1 will quickly be rendered moot because every six months they relocate everything, just as you had learned where everything is located. Now, you have to learn all over again. Part two of the test is a series of questions on operation of a grocery cart. This is followed by a road test on Super Double Coupon Day. If they pass this, then, they are issued a license to operate a shopping cart. And, the grocery police can keep things moving along and write tickets for rude and thoughtless shoppers. These grocery store rule-breakers can be banned from the store and forced to shop at Wal-Mart for two weeks, where they’ll fit right in.





2 responses

23 01 2015
Amanda Taylor

I am most definitely that person that reads the labels!

25 01 2015
Bill Taylor

Ah, yes you are. But you’re also a very considerate person as opposed to the “reader” who reads in the middle of the aisle without caring that she or he is in everyone’s way.

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