To A More Sensible English

15 09 2013

Okay, before you begin to read this post, I want to share something. I have just learned that Wordpress has made a change and now I have to purchase a No Ad upgrade (which I haven’t done), otherwise, there will be links to advertisements throughout my stories. I have no links in this story so don’t bother to hover over the links unless you’re in the market to learn to fly a plane or speak English. And now, as they say, on with the show.

 

English-The Collage of the Written Word

Sometimes, I just sit and wonder about things. For example, did you ever wonder what it sounded like when Adam said to Eve, “Where did you come from?” What language did he use? And how did she understand him? After all, she was just a bone the day before. I like to think they communicated in English but I know that isn’t the case. The English language wouldn’t come along for a few thousand years from that point.

 

The English language, in fact, is a hodgepodge, a goulash if you will, of numerous earlier Germanic languages. Its history and list of contributing languages reads more like a meatloaf recipe. It’s not like someone sat down and decided to create English words for everything in sight. It evolved from several earlier languages and it continues to evolve as each year we add new words. Just this year we added several new words, such as selfie and twerking.

 

And while it is probably the most widely used language in the world, it is also probably the most complex and wasteful. By that, I refer to wasting letters. For example, why do we put a “g” in light, fight and flight? Why not simplify matters by dropping both the “g” and the “h” and add an “e” to the end?

 

Silent Letters Should be Invisible
Why do we spell whooping cough with a “w”? It only confuses people when trying to pronounce it because it seems so many people don’t realize the “w” is silent. Why use silent letters at all? Why is cough pronounced like coff? Or how about spelling it with a single “f”? Hooping cof. Or maybe even huping cof.

 

If you think about it, our language is really a model of inefficiency-or should I say inefishensy? Suppose our government ran that way? Oh, wait…they do. In fact, we waste letters in our language just as we waste congressional seats on useless congress members.

 

But it isn’t just about letter efficiency, it’s also common sense. Mortar and board have the same sound so when we graduate shouldn’t we wear a morterbord or moartarboard? And don’t even get me started on this whole “ie” versus “ei” thing. I think we should just do away with that entirely. Sure would make life easier.

 

A New Way of Writing
I have an idea. Let’s simplify communication and drop the superfluous letters and odd wording. It’s simple. See if you can read the following:

As my granddawter’s (southern for granddotter) interest in fotografy incresed, she began to reseve all sorts of fotagrafic equipment for birthday, Christmas (can’t change the spelling of Christ’s name) and any other gift-giving okashuns. Her nolej of fotografy is impresiv. Wun day she asked me if I wud take her into the wuds to fotagraf wildlife. I welcomed the oppertunity to spend kwality time with my granddawter and kwickly agred. She came to my room erly to wake me. After a harty brekfust of tost, egs and grits, we left for the nerest wuds. Walking thru the wuds, we soon came upon an albino posum. His fur was wite and his is wur pink. She shot several fotos before the posum wadled off into the brush.

 
 Down by the river’s ej, we saw a bever dam and a family of ate bevers. I belev that’s caled a Coluny. I her they taste like chiken but hav a lot of grisl. I tride to get close to wun of the bevers so my granddawter cud get a picture. I got tu close and he bit me on the nuklebone.

 

We luked and out on the river was the largest yot I had ever sen. As the yot moved closer she got several gud shots. Using her zum lens, she cud mak out evry karakter in the yot’s name and the smiles of pepl fishing from the gunels.

 

We had a lod of fun but befor we nu it, haf the day wus gon. We jumped bak into the truk and drov bak hom after a fun-filled morning of fun and fotos. She was so prowd wen she shard her pictures with everywun. She printed sevrl of her favrits and layd them owt on the irning bord. I belev her favrits wur the bevers and albino posum. I can’t wate to spend mor time with her on futur owtings.

 

Now, isn’t that much more efficient? Plus, I didn’t have to struggle with figuring out “i” before “e”. Best of all, using my sensible English plan, I used 108 fewer characters to write about my granddaughter’s photo safari. With printer ink running at around $5,000 per gallon, I just saved enough money in printer ink to cover the gas we used to drive to the woods and back.

 

It’s time we made a change we can afford. Stand up America. Let’s change the English language. Let’s all begin to use Bill’s sensible English and then we can start working on a sensible Congress.

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