Annoying Phone Calls

2 03 2013

Since putting our number on the “no call” list, we don’t get as many of these annoying calls but here is how one went a few years ago. I answered the phone…

“Hello.”

 

“Could I speak with Mr. Taylor?”

 

“This is he.”

 

“Mr. Taylor my name is Bob Ubenshysted, how are you today?”

 

“I’m well thank you.”

 

“Mr. Taylor, you enjoy getting things free don’t you?”

 

“Well, that all depends on what it is. The flu I had last year was free but I didn’t enjoy that.”

 

“Well, Mr. Taylor it is my pleasure to inform you that you are the winner of a cruise, absolutely free. Isn’t that exciting?”

 

“It doesn’t really excite me, no.”

 

“Well, Mr. Taylor, maybe when I tell you more about your cruise package you’ll get excited. You have been selected to receive our Winner’s Circle cruise package which includes a 100 square foot state-room located on the E Deck aboard our flagship, The Prince of Waves. When you first enter your stateroom you’ll find a fruit and nut welcome package which includes a bag of tangerines and a jar of Planters Dry Roasted peanuts. Are we beginning to feel the excitement now, Mr. Taylor?”

 

“No, I’m not there yet.”

 

“Well, let me tell you more about your Winner’s Circle cruise package, Mr. Taylor. You and your guest will depart from Ft. Lauderdale, FL for the beautiful and exciting port of, are you ready, Freeport in the Bahamas. There you’ll spend the evening winning big bucks at Blackbeard’s Revenge Casino and Bar. How do we sound so far?”

 

“Well, 100 square feet sounds awfully small. And will we have a view of the ocean that far below decks?”

 

“Well, Mr. Taylor, I’m sure you’re aware that space is a precious commodity aboard ship so the rooms are small and you’ll have a porthole looking out into the passageway. That’s nautical speak for hall.

 

“E deck is pretty low. How far from the engine room is the stateroom?”

 

“Your stateroom, Mr. Taylor, will be next to the engine room.”

 

“Won’t that be a little loud?”

 

“You’ll be able to hear the dull, soothing rumble of the engine but most passengers say the combination of the soothing rumble and smell of diesel fuel helps them to sleep better when the ship begins to rock. And a big plus is that when you’re that low in the ship, there is less rocking motion. But here’s the good news, Mr. Taylor-you don’t have to settle. For $550.00 you can upgrade to a First Mate’s stateroom which is on C deck. There you’ll have a partial ocean view and $50.00 worth of complimentary chips for the casino. Or, if you really want to live it up, for $2,500.00 you can upgrade to one of the finest quarters aboard ship. We call it a Captain’s stateroom and suite. Which upgrade package are you interested in, Mr. Taylor? We accept all major credit cards.”

 

“I don’t think I’m interested, thanks.”

 

“Mr. Taylor, when was the last time you were able to travel at no cost? Wouldn’t your wife like to take a cruise?

 

“Let me ask you this, Bob-how do I get to Ft. Lauderdale?”

 

“Well, Mr. Taylor, that would be at your expense but that’s a small price to pay for what we’re offering you.”

 

“So, Bob, how can the trip be free when I have to pay to get to the boat?”

 

“I said the cruise was free, Mr. Taylor-not the trip. And we call it a ship.”

 

“Bob, I don’t care if you call it the Starship Enterprise, I’m still not interested.”

 

“But Mr. Taylor, you..”

 

“Hold on a minute, Bob. First, neither my wife nor I have any interest in taking a cruise. Second, I don’t gamble, even with free chips. Third, I’ve got about a zillion frequent flier miles so I can go anywhere in the world for free. Why would I want to kill brain cells smelling diesel fumes inside a closet by the engine in the bowels of the Prince of Waves?”

 

“But, Mr. Tay..:

 

“Click”

That was so much fun I considered taking my name off the “no call” list.

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