Sappy Sonnets

13 02 2013

Just in case you’ve forgotten, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I know a lot of folks, especially the guys among us, have put it off and now here you are in the eleventh hour with no gift. No restaurant reservations. No plans. No hope for a happy rest of the week. Well, if you find yourself to be one of those in need of last-minute help, I’m here for you. Here are four poems just for you. Simply take the one that is most apropos and slap it onto a piece of printer paper, fold the paper in half and you’ve saved yourself five bucks and a great deal of suffering at the hands of your loved one. You will notice, as you read through them that most are from the male perspective. Well, there’s a reason for that. Statistically, guys are the worst of the procrastinators. But take heart those females among you who may also have waited too long or you’re simply looking for a better card that conveys your sentiments in a way that Hallmark doesn’t, because there is a poem for you too. Good luck and Happy Valentine’s Day!

 I Miss You So Much! You Too Honey  2RedHearts2Roses_1280158700965

I love you darlin’ when you smile

I love to hear your voice

I love it when you call me your man

‘cause you know, I had a choice

There was Betty Mae and Donna Lynn

And Sherry, to name a few

I had a ton of girlfriends before I fell in love with you

I hate that you’re not here with me

I hate to be alone

So forget about those things I said

And won’t cha come back home?

I’ll stop complaining about your cook’n

I’ll stop calling your mom a hawg

But if you won’t come back home to me

At least bring back my dawg

Love is Blind

Your eyes are green like pond scum

I like the way they match

Your freckled skin is really smooth

Like my truck when its been waxed

The smell of your hair reminds me of Sam,

my one-eyed hunt’n dog

and your sweet voice sounds like Kermit

that annoying Sesame Street frog

Your feet are truly special to me

one a size six the other a size three

So I decided to write you this poem

Just so that I could say

You’re just like Mary Poppins

perfect in every way.

Here’s to You, Darlin’

I don’t care how much you nag

I don’t mind your gripes and moans

Your complaints and squawks don’t bother me

Your bellyaching I condone

I can be happy every day

Whenever I’m with you

As long as I have my ESPN

And a Valium or two.

A Special Kind of Man

I told all my girlfriends you’re a special kind of man

With your blond hair blowing in the wind

And your skin so rugged and tan.

I told them you’re so manly

And that you treat me like a queen.

I told them too how sexy you look

In your skin-tight Wrangler jeans.

But what I didn’t tell them, dear

Because I find it so bizarre

Is all the stupid things you do

And just how dumb you are.

But, dear it doesn’t matter to me

That you’re dumb as a sack of sand

‘Cause I’ll forever love you

My special kind of man.




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