Stapler Control

2 02 2013

The following is not a true story. It is the product of a creative fertile sick inspired inventive mind. It’s something I made up!

 

I stepped out of Chez Bubba’s into the cold Berea night and pulled my collar up tight around my neck to shield me from the frigid wind. Berea nights can be brutal in January. Turning north, I began the short walk back to my car. As I walked past a dark alley I suddenly became aware of foot steps behind me…close behind me. About three steps later a voice from behind asked me for a light. “Sorry,” I said as I turned, “I don’t smoke.” In the light of a nearby Super 8 Motel sign, I could clearly see a young man wearing a New York Yankees jacket over a grey hoodie. The hood was pulled up over his head partially concealing his face. Then he pulled the hood down. He wanted me to see he was wearing a stocking over his head to hide his face. Then pushing what appeared to be a gun into my ribs, he demanded, “Give me your money or die right here!”

 

The Mugger's Weapon of Choice

The Mugger’s Weapon of Choice

From my perspective, I did not have full view of the weapon so I couldn’t be sure it was a gun at all. I take pride in my sleuth-like powers of deduction and instantly realized there was an Office Depot across the street. I then noticed an Office Depot bag sticking out of his pocket. Suddenly it hit me. He wasn’t holding a gun at all. It was a stapler! A quick look down confirmed my suspicion. I recognized the weapon and realized this wasn’t just any stapler. It was a Swingline Optima 40, also known as a Saturday night special. The Optima 40 has a 40 sheet capacity and a magazine that’ll hold 250 chisel point staples. That’s 500 holes! I knew my only hope was to give him my cash or try to talk my way out of the situation. Running would be a big mistake since he could easily pepper my backside with a hundred staples quicker than Honey Boo Boo can wolf down a Twinkie.

 

The perp (that’s police talk for perpetrator) reminded me of why we were standing in front of a Super 8 Motel in the freezing cold. His voice sounded nasally as if he had a head full of snot. Apparently, he had a cold because he had cut a hole in his stocking mask where his mouth was. Again, using my powers of logic and deduction, I deduced this was a breathing hole, revealing only his lips and a bit of a bushy untrimmed mustache. I almost felt sorry for him because it was obvious he felt lousy- snorting and sniffing. Then he sneezed and pltttttt, about 3 pounds of snot squirted from under the mask and out the breathing hole. It was just sort of hanging there, jiggling like flan in a bowl.  He looked like he had a fungus growing over his mouth. Before he could say anything, he sneezed again and a big green snot bubble popped up covering the breathing hole.

 

“Aw shoot!!”  (or something like that), he yelled, wiping the nose goop from his face and onto his blue-sleeved arm. I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. “Oh, man, not on your sleeve,” I said, handing him the hanky, “that’s nasty.”

 

“Thanks, man,” he gurgled through the snot, taking the handkerchief.

Then he refocused his attention on the job at hand shoving his Optima 40 deeper into my ribs. With every breath he took the snot bubble would shrink then inflate, shrink then inflate until finally, in the silence of the moment, he looked me in the face and we both began to laugh.

 

I guess armed robbery is serious business but it’s hard to be serious with a snot bubble sticking out of your stocking mask. We continued to laugh. Couldn’t help ourselves. I handed the guy a ten-dollar bill and told him to go buy himself a bottle of NyQuil so he could get some sleep.

 

“Thanks again, man.” And with that, he turned and walked away, disappearing into the dark alley, still laughing.

 

Did I do the right thing giving him money? Will he really buy NyQuil or will he return to Office Depot and buy a whole box of ammunition? Who knows, I could have aided and abetted in his next crime. With my ten dollars he can buy an entire box of 5,000 staples. I shudder to think of what he might do. But at least I lived through the assault.

Armed and Dangerous!

Armed and Dangerous!

 

What We Need is Stapler Control!

I have always been a stapler rights advocate but this experience has changed my views. Staplers are so easy for anyone to get their hands on. Anyone you pass on the street could be packing and you never know it until it’s too late.

 

During a recent flight to Seattle, a passenger sitting next to me confided that not only does he never leave home without his stapler but he had a PaperPro Nano Mini Stapler in his carry-on! “How did you get that thing through security?” I asked. He told me one of the TSA guys back at Raleigh-Durham Airport was a close friend and hunting buddy. He said he has a stapler rack in his truck on which he carries two Swingline Heavy Duty staplers and a Stanley Bostitch EZ Squeeze 130 Heavy-Duty. He also said he has a PaperPro Stackmaster 100 under the seat with a laser sight! I ask you, who needs to drive around town with that much fire power? It’s insane, I tell you!

Can't miss with a laser

Can’t miss with a laser

 

We need to change the law in order to gain better control and keep staplers off the streets, especially the large-magazine staplers. When will we wake up and finally put a stop to the madness and pass more stapler control laws? We must do something. We must act now!

 

I’m going to start a petition demanding:

  1. A ban on all assault staplers;
  2. A 3 day waiting period before anyone can buy a stapler;
  3. Anyone purchasing a stapler must attend a 24 hour stapler safety course;
  4. All staplers must be registered;
  5. The News and Observer will post a map of the Raleigh-Durham area showing the address of every stapler owner in the area;
  6. Stapler magazines will be limited to no more than 10 staples;
  7. Staplers will be removed from every school and post office;

Join with me in my efforts to bring a stop to the senseless stapling. When it comes, sign my petition. Write your mayor. Write your congressmen. We’re also planning a Stop the Stapling march on Washington and boycotts at Office Depot, Office Max, Staples and others who so recklessly sell these dangerous weapons. Staple Control Now!

 

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