Pttttttt, Pttttttt, Pttttttt

22 09 2012

Pardon the title but I don’t really know how to spell the sound of spitting out food.


Several years ago when I was young and much less traveled, I was of the assumption that anything that came from the kitchen of a four star restaurant had to be good. Wrong! I’ve had the opportunity, on many occasions, to eat pretty high on the hog at the expense of some of my more generous clients. These experiences have given me the opportunity to learn that mine was a false assumption. Case in point is caviar.


The finest restaurants serve, among other things, the finest caviar, so, I would have thought, especially given the price, that it tastes good. Never equate price with taste.



My first and only taste of caviar wasn’t at a fine restaurant. It was actually at a retirement party for a friend. As I circled the table, heavily laden with hors d’oeuvres, I saw what I thought was some type of pink fruit spread in a small dish surrounded by crackers. I love the sweet taste of pepper jelly on a salty cracker and as I studied this gelatinous concoction, I thought, how clever; they even made it into the shape of little pink peppercorns. But then I began to wonder if this was, instead, caviar. I had seen it in the movies and in magazines. I had also seen pictures of it on the sides of caviar cans in the grocery store and this resembled those pictures. How bad can it be, I thought to myself, people pay big bucks for the stuff at the finest restaurants. So thinking this to be something I might enjoy, I loaded a cracker and popped it into my mouth.


Did you read my earlier post from September 10, 2011, about Brussels sprouts? If not, you should go back and read it. In that post I wrote that Brussels sprouts ran a distant second to Fleet, the worst thing I had ever put in my mouth. Well, I was wrong. I had forgotten about my encounter with caviar. I would put caviar in second place just ahead of Brussels sprouts. I just can’t imagine how hungry I would have to be to eat that stuff again.


It’s really hard to practice social etiquette when you have your first taste of caviar in your mouth and realize how disgustingly bad it tastes. If sitting alone or with the wife at the dinner table you can just spit it out and run to the bathroom to chug some Listerine or out to the garage and siphon a mouthful of gasoline from the car. But in a social setting surrounded by co-workers and your boss you have to stop and think about another way to get rid of this foul cuisine. You really don’t want to take the time to ask, what would Emily Post do? You grab a napkin and a-la Josh Baskin, a.k.a Tom Hanks in Big you forget etiquette and spit it out!



God, in His infinite wisdom, gave animals natural defenses. He gave the porcupine the ability to shoot sharp quills at its attackers. Skunks have that smelly fluid they will spray when attacked or provoked. The octopus sprays out a dark ink-like substance and then disappears into the murky cloud to get away from its enemies. I believe God gave caviar the worst taste of anything that wasn’t man-made as a deterrent to protect the sturgeon. Well, it works for me. I might enjoy fighting a sturgeon at the end of a fishing line but I’ll be darned if I’m going to remove her eggs for breakfast or a snack at social events.


So what’s the lesson we’ve learned here? One-Fleet is still king of worst tasting substances known to man and two-if it smells like eggs from a fish it probably is. By the way, if you don’t know what Fleet is then go back and read my earlier post The Colonoscopy 2/20/2010.




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