Patience My Butt!

12 08 2012

My thirty-minute drive to the office takes me through city streets, along a state road and two interstate highways. Until I began making this drive on a regular basis, it had not occurred to me just how many jerks and idiots there are on the road. I’m talking about those people who are in such a hurry they fly past you fast enough to peel the paint from the side of your car. They cut you off, weaving in and around traffic. They get right on your bumper when you’re in the left lane trying to pass another vehicle, and flash their headlights at you while giving you the single finger salute. This is the same kind of person who sits at his computer and pops a vein while waiting for the hour-glass to change to a cursor. “Click, click, click, click….click, click…OH C’MON!” Think of the Griswold’s next door neighbor, Todd. I knew there were a few of these types around, but there seems to be an unfair concentration here in the Raleigh-Durham area.

There are two possibilities that may explain people’s rude and dangerous driving habits: A) Gravity or B) geneous stupidious

Type A/Type B

A Type A person gets behind the wheel of a motor vehicle and, at first, there is no change. When they enter traffic, well, that’s when they experience geneous stupidious. In other words, the stupid gene kicks in and they lose control of rational thought. At this point we don’t know much about this geneous stupidious, but scientists are working to figure out why the stupid gene is so pervasive among Type As. Until they do get it figured out, they have decided to blame it on President Bush.

This brings us to the other possibility-gravity. Had Sir Isaac Newton lived another couple hundred years to see the invention of the automobile, he, no doubt, would have come up with Newton’s Second Law of Gravity. Since he didn’t make it, I’ll take the credit and share with you Bill’s First Law of Gravity.

My personal research has shown that the gravitational pull on the human brow and the human right foot is predicated by the personality type. For some unknown reason, gravity has a much greater pull on Type A persons than on Type B. The Type A gets into the car and his or her brow lowers noticeably, the upper body leans forward and the right foot, the one on the gas pedal, grows too heavy to move from the accelerator to the brake. Clearly this is a gravitational issue.

Simple Matter of Math

Bill’s First Law of Gravity states: Where gravity (G) equals A, B equals ½ G. In other words, the Type B has half the gravitational pull on the brow and the right foot and, thus, drives half as fast.

Another law to consider is Bill’s First Law of Driving, which is quantified by the CDQ (Careful Driving Quotient-the measure of safe driving). With this equation:

CDQ=S x Dx. In this equation, S=speed and Dx = the distraction factor. To calculate speed, one must use the equation:

S=PTxML+SL-WR

Where S=speed; PT= Personality Type; ML=minutes late; SL=posted speed limit and WR=wind resistance created by a car-top ski or bike rack. Using the constant 2 for Type A, or 1 for Type B personalities, we can determine the CDQ for Type A or Type B drivers.

Thus, a Type A driver running 10 minutes late for an Occupy UNC protest, driving down the road with a posted speed limit of 65 mph and having two bicycles on top of the car, would be driving:

S=2×10+65-2

S=83mph.

Now to calculate the CDQ, we simply multiply by Dx. Dx is derived from the following chart. So, for our Occupier driving 83 mph while texting his friends to tell them he’s running about 10 minutes late because he had trouble peeling off the Romney bumper sticker someone put on his Beemer, the CDQ would be 830. (CDQ=SXDT=83×10=830)

DB

Distracted by baby

5

DT

Distracted by texting

10

DBT

Distracted by brushing teeth

2

DMU

Distracted by applying make-up

5

DR

Distracted by reading

5

DW

Distracted by wife in car

8

DP

Distracted by talking on phone

5

DE

Distracted by eating

4

DTA

Distracted by texting accompanied by any other   distractions

100

Actually, in spite of my own research, I think the gravity explanation is a bunch of hooey (that’s a scientific term for crap). As a scientist, I see no relationship between gravity and one’s personality. The stupid gene is a much more viable explanation. We can always blame hormones-the greatest mystery known to man. That’s a subject for another post.

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