That’s No Schemer, That’s My Wife!

10 07 2011

If you are a follower of this blog then you may recall an earlier post entitled “Bait and Switch” (December 29, 2010). You might want to go back and read it if you don’t remember it. I have discovered that bait and switch is mere child’s play for my wife. I’m thinking maybe, just maybe, she is far cleverer in her scheming than I have given her credit.

For Father’s Day last month she gave me what I thought was a great gift. She hired someone (actually he’s a friend of the family) to cut the grass for the remainder of the summer and basically maintain our lawn all year.

Bubba showed up that first Saturday and with the temperature hovering in the mid 90’s, it was so nice to be able to sit inside and

Bubba's Ride

watch Lee Marvin on the Military Channel, lead his dirty dozen behind enemy lines to kill Nazi officers.

The next time Bubba came, yesterday, we were making preparations to celebrate the birthdays of our first-borne and daughter-in-law. I knew I had to fix the kitchen sink drain but otherwise, my schedule was light. I was making plans to run to Lowes to get what I needed to fix the drain when my wife asked me if I would help her with something in the kitchen before I left. “Sure, Babe. What do you need?” I was happy to oblige, thinking maybe she needed me to open a jar of pickles or reach something down from the top shelf of a cabinet. Turns out that wasn’t the case.

“Will you cut up the celery for the potato salad?” she asked.

That wasn’t the kind of help I was thinking of but I didn’t mind; at least I get to use a knife. So, I got out the knife of choice and the cutting board and began to wash the celery.

It only took about five minutes but as I was putting the diced celery into a bowl she said, “While you’re in a cutting mood, can you cut up the green pepper for the pasta salad?”

First of all, who said I was in a cutting mood? Second, she never said anything about pasta salad. Salad to me implies vegetables and I’m smart enough to know that pasta and green bell pepper do not constitute a salad, so I asked her what she had in mind for me after I cut up the pepper.

K P duty

“Well, I’ll need you to cut up the spring onions, cucumbers, quarter a yellow onion so I can put it in the food processor, cut the tomatoes and while you’re in here, if you don’t mind; you can peel the potatoes for the potato salad. I also still have that pineapple that needs to be cut up and put in the refrigerator before it goes bad. Oh, and I’ll need for you to run to the store and pick up some sweet salad cubes, and an apple pie. You can do that when you go to Lowes”. Just so you’ll know…I never made it to Lowes.

Whoa! I didn’t bargain for all this. That’s half my day of leisure. Well, I reasoned, someone has to do this and since I’m partly responsible for this annual event which began 36 years ago, I have an obligation to help. Besides, I enjoy spending time with my wife…even if it is in the kitchen.

But as I stood there, watching Bubba through the kitchen window, zipping back and forth across the back yard on his zero turn riding mower, it occurred to me that this was probably all part of my wife’s plan. She didn’t give me the lawn service for me-she gave it to me for her. By getting someone else to take care of my Saturday chores, it freed me up to do nothing. She knows I will not sit and do nothing while she needs help in the kitchen. So she simply took advantage of my helping nature to get me into the kitchen.

I’ve been snookered! Hoodwinked! Played! Oh, she’s good. She’s an evil schemer. She played me like an accordion-she put the squeeze on me and knew exactly which buttons to push. Now, here I stand, slicing and dicing. “How small do you want the pepper cut up?” was music to her ears.

As I said, at least I get to use a knife.

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