The Man Test

22 04 2011

Whazzzzaaat?

Okay, dudes, it’s not Cosmo but then we don’t read Cosmo, right? This is your chance to measure your dudliness. (And don’t tell me there’s no such word as dudliness. It’s my test so it’s a word if I want it to be.) Before you scroll down and see the answers, take the 20 question test, and then check your answers using the answer key following the test. Total your points and at the bottom you will find the key which will decipher your final score. Ladies, feel free to take the test if you wish. You might enjoy it, especially the answers. Good luck!

  1. In the past 10 years your wife/girlfriend has gained
    1. 5-10 pounds                                      
    2. 10-20 pounds
    3. More than 20 pounds
    4. I haven’t noticed any weight gain.
  2. Women should never wear white
    1. After Labor day
    2. To a tractor pull
    3. To someone else’s wedding
    4. While grilling
  3. The device pictured above and to the right is
    1. Finger nail pliers
    2. A toe nail straightener
    3. An eye lash curler
    4. I have no idea.
  4. 10W-30 refers to
    1. A lipstick shade
    2. Expandable waist size for maternity pants
    3. Map coordinates
    4. Viscosity of motor oil
  5. What brand vacuum cleaner do you use?
    1. Electrolux
    2. Rainbow
    3. I don’t know
    4. I don’t use a vacuum cleaner
  6. The first thing you are likely to do if you buy a new F-250 is
    1. Show it off to your wife
    2. Show it off to your neighbor
    3. What’s an F-250?
    4. Bang your shin on the hitch while walking around it to show it off to your wife or neighbor
  7. A 90° ell is
    1. One hot ell
    2. A plumbing fitting
    3. Half the size of a 180° ell
    4. Do you mean 90° elf?
  8. Auto manufacturers install mirrors on sun visors
    1. So you can lower them to reflect the headlights of the tailgating jerk behind you back into his eyes
    2. So you can keep an eye on the 14-year-old boy sitting in the back seat with your 14-year-old daughter
    3. So one can apply makeup when one is running late for work
    4. So you have someone to talk to while driving towards the sun
  9. Haystack Calhoun was
    1. A farmer
    2. A professional football player
    3. A wrestler
    4. A wrastler
  10. Crappie is
    1. A serious mistake
    2. What a preacher says when he shanks a drive on the golf course
    3. A fish
    4. A full diaper
  11. DeWalt refers to
    1. A person who has been un-walted
    2. A brand of woodworking tool
    3. The illiterate half-brother of Haystack Calhoun
    4. A type of pitch in baseball
  12. Daisy is
    1. A flower
    2. Bo and Luke’s cousin
    3. Same as a doozy
    4. A BB gun
  13. Crystal pattern refers to
    1. A style of glassware
    2. Mr. and Mrs. Pattern’s daughter
    3. A route run only by San Francisco 49ers wide receivers
    4. A clear pattern
  14. What is a 4-barrel?
    1. A double-ring ceremony
    2. A really big cistern
    3. A carburetor
    4. A slang term that refers to a men’s rest room having four toilet stalls
  15. A water closet is
    1. A small room where one stores water
    2. A toilet
    3. Another word for bath tub
    4. Get outta town. You made that up.
  16. Nunchucks are
    1. An oriental weapon used for self-defense
    2. A term referring to nuns who have been kicked out of the convent
    3. Pitchers on the convent softball team
    4. What the Germans called the sisters who stole the distributor caps from their cars in The Sound of Music
  17. If you get lost while driving, you should
    1. Stop at the first place you see and ask directions
    2. Ask your wife to find your location on the GPS
    3. Keep your mouth shut and continue to drive as if you know exactly where you are, until you recognize something
    4. Follow the first car you see that seems to know where he is going
  18. A cheater bar is
    1. A place where married men go to meet women
    2. A candy bar eaten in seclusion while dieting
    3. The false illusion of extra bars on your cell phone leading you to think your signal is stronger than it really is
    4. A section of pipe inserted on the end of a wrench to increase leverage
  19. If you own a Speedo you should
    1. Burn it
    2. Give it to your cousin, Todd
    3. Stop taking this test now. You have failed
    4. Any of the above is correct
  20. China is
    1. A large country inhabited by Chinese people
    2. A female wrestler
    3. Fancy dishes
    4. All the above

 

1. In the past 10 years your wife/girlfriend has gained

  1. 5-10 pounds –10 points for being observant enough to notice and minus 50 points for being dumb enough to mention it.
  2. 10-20 pounds-Probably true but zero points
  3. More than 20 pounds-Are you crazy? If you say this then her weight gain is almost as obvious as your stupidity!
  4. I haven’t noticed any weight gain.-100 points. Right answer, whether true or not.

2. Women should never wear white:

  1. After Labor Day-Zero points. This is true but it is something you should not know.
  2. To a tractor pull. Correct! 100 points.
  3. To someone else’s wedding. Minus 5 points. Another minus 5 if you read that at Emily Post.com
  4. While grilling-If you authorize your wife to operate your grill you’ve got more problems than failing this test. Minus 10 points!

3. The device pictured above and to the right is-

  1. Finger nail pliers-Wrong but 50 points for not knowing.
  2. A toe nail straightener-Wrong again, but 50 points for not knowing.
  3. An eye lash curler-Correct but wrong answer. Minus 10 points
  4. I have no idea. Good answer! 100 points

4. 10W-30 refers to

  1. A lipstick shade. Zero points
  2. Expandable waist size for maternity pants-Dude, that’s sick! Zero points
  3. Map coordinates-zero points
  4. Viscosity of motor oil-Correct. 100 points

5. What brand vacuum cleaner do you use?

  1. Electrolux-5 points
  2. Rainbow-5 points
  3. I don’t know-Good answer! 100 Points.
  4. I don’t use a vacuum cleaner. A good manly response but minus 100 points for not helping out around the house. The days of his job/her job are long gone. You’d be better off wearing alligator shoes to a PETA convention.

6. The first thing you are likely to do if you buy a new F-250 is

  1. Show it off to your wife-100 points
  2. Show it off to your neighbor-100 points
  3. What’s an F-250?-zero points
  4. Bang your shin on the hitch while walking around it to show it off to your wife or neighbor-100 points

7. A 90° ell is

  1. One hot ell-zero points
  2. A plumbing fitting-100 points
  3. Half the size of a 180° ell-zero points
  4. Do you mean 90° elf?-minus 10 points

8. Auto manufacturers install mirrors on sun visors

  1. So you can lower them to reflect the headlights back into the eyes of the tailgating jerk behind you –Good thought but it doesn’t work. 10 points
  2. So you can keep an eye on the 14-year-old boy sitting in the back seat with your 14-year-old daughter-100 points
  3. So one can apply makeup when one is running late for work-minus 10 points
  4. So you have someone to talk to while driving towards the sun-Seek help right away. Minus 100 points

9. Haystack Calhoun was

  1. A farmer-Zero points. You’re guessing.
  2. A professional football player-Zero points. Still guessing.
  3. A wrestler-1 point. Wrestling is an educated man’s sport. Wrastling is the souped-up redneck version.
  4. A wrastler-Ding, Ding, Ding! 100 points, plus another 50 which we’ll call senior points for remembering the name Haystack Calhoun.

10. Crappie is

  1. A serious mistake-Right but wrong. Zero points.
  2. What a preacher says when he shanks a drive on the golf course. Not the preachers I’ve played with. Zero points.
  3. A fish-Correct. 100 points.
  4. A full diaper-Correct again but that’s not what real men call it. Zero points.

11. DeWalt refers to

  1. A person who has been un-walted- Un-walted? I don’t think there’s any such thing. Zero points.
  2. A brand of woodworking tool- Correct. 100 points.
  3. The illiterate half-brother of Haystack Calhoun-Wrong. Haystack was the illiterate one. Zero points.
  4. A type of pitch in baseball-So, you don’t know baseball either, huh? Zero points.

12. Daisy is

  1. A flower-No, No, No! Only a girl would say that. Zero points.
  2. Bo and Luke’s cousin-Right! 100 points.
  3. Same as a doozy- That’s correct but not the answer I’m looking for. And don’t ever say doozy again! Zero points.
  4. A BB gun. Correct but this is a man’s test not a boy’s test. 25 points.

13. Crystal pattern refers to

  1. A style of glassware-Minus 10 points.
  2. Mr. and Mrs. Pattern’s daughter-Don’t know Mr. & Mrs. Pattern? Doesn’t matter, it’s still the right answer. 100 points.
  3. A route run only by San Francisco 49ers wide receivers- That’s too much of a girly answer to be correct. Zero points.
  4. A clear pattern- Makes sense but who said the answers were supposed to make sense? What d’ya think this is…an SAT? zero points.

14. What is a 4-barrel?

  1. A double-ring ceremony- In some cases, yes, but not in this case. Zero points.
  2. A really big cistern-It would be at that, but wrong ans…no, you get 10 points for knowing what a cistern is.
  3. A carburetor- Correct! 100 points.
  4. A slang term that refers to a men’s rest room having four toilet stalls- no, dummy. That’s called a 4-seater. Zero points.

15. A water closet is

  1. A small room where one stores water-I can’t believe you actually picked this answer. Zero points.
  2. A toilet-As the Fonz would say, “Correctamundo!” 100 points.
  3. Another word for bath tub-Wrong! Zero points.
  4. Get outta town. You made that up. Obviously you don’t know what a water closet is. Zero points.

16. Nunchucks are

  1. An oriental weapon used for self-defense-Right! 100 points.
  2. A term referring to nuns who have been kicked out of the convent- No, I think they’re called enunciated. Zero points.
  3. Pitchers on the convent softball team- Good guess but wrong. Zero points.
  4. What the Germans called the sisters who stole the distributor caps from their cars in The Sound of Music-Minus 50 points for even giving the hint that you watch or pay attention while your wife watches this movie.

17. If you get lost while driving, you should

  1. Stop at the first place you see and ask directions-WRONG! You never ask anyone for directions! Minus 50 points and no soup for you!
  2. Ask your wife to find your location on the GPS- Why don’t you just call yourself Forrest and run, Forrest, run to the nearest nail salon? Minus 50 points!
  3. Keep your mouth shut and continue to drive as if you know exactly where you are, until you recognize something-Now you’re talking. Don’t let her know a thing. When she says something about having passed that taco stand already, just tell her it’s a chain. 100 points.
  4. Follow the first car you see that seems to know where he is going-Probably not a good idea since that driver ahead of you could be a she, on her way to a Tupperware party or a baby shower. Think, man, think. Zero points.

18. A cheater bar is

  1. A place where married men go to meet women. Don’t even think about it. Zero points.
  2. A candy bar eaten in seclusion while dieting-oooh, that’s a good one. Wrong, but good. Zero points.
  3. The false illusion of extra bars on your cell phone leading you to think your signal is stronger than it really is- That’s just your eyesight going bad. Wrong answer but you get another 50 geezer points.
  4. A section of pipe inserted on the end of a wrench to increase leverage- Correct! 100 points.

19. If you own a Speedo you should

  1. Burn it. Absolutely. 100 Points
  2. Give it to your cousin, Todd. That’ll work too. 100 Points.
  3. Stop taking this test now. You have failed. Zero points.
  4. Move to France or San Francisco where you won’t be noticed-Zero points.

20. China is

  1. A large country inhabited by Chinese people-Right but not what we want. Zero points.
  2. A female wrestler-100 points, Dude! BTW, that should be “wrastler”.
  3. Fancy dishes-Yeh, but it isn’t as good as the wrestler answer. 50 points.
  4. All the above. Wrong. Zero points.

Points:

1,500-2,000-You are indeed a manly man. Wear your manliness proudly.

1,000-1,499   You barely qualify, dude. You knew some of the correct answers because you probably hang out with the guys when you’re not at home watching Father of the Bride I and II.

100-999 You are a girly man. You probably took this same test in Cosmo and passed it, huh?

0-99   you fail, dudette. I wouldn’t tell anyone about this score if I were you. No matter how good your credit score is, you will not be allowed to buy a new pick-up truck if you reveal this score to the salesperson.

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