Scissors in the John

9 04 2011

One of our sons was about 18 months old when my wife called me at work one day and told me he had just grabbed a pair of child’s scissors from his older brother and thrown them into the toilet. The story could have ended there but, instead, he decided to flush. The scissors made it about four inches into the toilet, just far enough to get caught in the trap. And when I say caught, I mean lodged in there pretty good. So, I told my wife not to let anyone use that toilet until I could get home and get the scissors out.

Yes, officer. That's the guy. That's the toilet jammer!

When I got home I went right to work. You couldn’t see the scissors, let alone reach them. I tried to get them with my plumber’s snake. Didn’t work. I tried sticking my own hand in but the opening was just too small. So, I had my older son give it a try. His hand was also too large. Ever try to talk a five-year old into sticking his hand inside a toilet? That’s some real daddying there! So, I went next door and borrowed the neighbor’s three-year old who had hands the size of a sardine. He could get his hand in but was unable to reach them.

That’s when I got creative. I got some very strong nylon cord and tied it to a treble hook, which I removed from one of my fishing lures. I then flushed it down the toilet, being careful not to pay out too much string. Then I pulled on the cord just like I was fishing with a hand line. It didn’t strike like a fish, but I was still able to hook it. But the scissors were too strong and jammed in too tightly. I pulled as hard as I could and broke the cord.

Let’s Rock and Roll

I only knew of one other thing to do…take up the toilet and go in from the bottom.

By now it was getting a bit late. My wife had already put the boys to bed, including the innocent little ankle-biter that started this madness. So, I drained the tank and removed it from the toilet. Then I pulled the toilet off the floor. But when I looked at the bottom I was still unable to see the scissors. Could they have gone down the drain, I wondered? No. No way. They were still inside the john. I had this terrible thought of having to go buy a new toilet because of a two dollar pair of kid’s scissors.

But then, as I rolled it back over, I heard the scissors move inside. I picked up the can, which by now had acquired several more names, only a few of which were related to its intended purpose, and holding it upside down, began to shake it. The scissors inside began to rattle around even more until finally they fell out. By then it was approaching midnight but I was so happy to see those scissors fall out I didn’t care what time it was.

Afterward, I went into the boys’ room and stood over that innocent little boy-child sleeping so peacefully, looking so sweet with his angelic face resting on his pillow, and I suddenly realized why some animals eat their young.

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2 responses

9 04 2011
Jackie garner

That was so funny Bill… I could picture you doing this..including your very own realization at the end…eating our young lol

9 04 2011
Bill Taylor

Yeh, that’s a real mental image isn’t it-me standing in the middle of the bedroom holding a toilet upside down while shaking it violently to dislpdge a pair of scissors. And all the while the guilty party lies in his bed in peaceful slumber. Life is so unfair.

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