Man is to Woman as LP is to iPod

2 12 2010

I apologize for the length of this post but the truth is I get started on something like this and can’t shut up. There is so much to say about men and women that is so obvious but still needs to be said. Enjoy!

Cats are from Venus, Dogs are from Mars…or somewhere other than Venus

I’m not the first to liken men to dogs. The mutt walks around the house

"I triple dog dare you"

looking for a place to sleep or something to eat, his over-sized feet pounding the floor as he runs into the kitchen at the sound of the refrigerator door opening. He has no idea what he will find when he gets there; he only knows that whenever he hears that sound, good things happen.

He goes through life without a care as to where he will sleep tonight, just as long as he has a warm body to snuggle up to. He rides down the street, his head hanging out of the window with a string of drool reaching back to the rear of the car, and his ears flapping in the breeze. He hasn’t a clue where he is going and really doesn’t care as long as he gets to go somewhere.

He attacks life with reckless abandon in search of fun, food, or the occasional leg. He has earned the moniker, dumb mutt. This pretty much describes a man, except perhaps for the flapping ears part.

A woman, on the other hand, is more like a cat-cunning and sly. She is stubborn. She is fickle. She plays it cool. She analyzes each situation to determine how she can best benefit from its probable outcome. Just be patient, she thinks to herself, he’ll get up and walk away from that bowl of cereal for just a minute-just long enough for me to get on the table and get the milk.

 The Weaker Sex? Forget That!

Women, on the whole, are no smarter or dumber than men, so what’s the difference?   While I can get us from our North Carolina home to Tortilla Flats, Arizona with no more than a few tanks of gas and my sense of direction, my wife can barely find her way across town with the GPS. I can erect a tent and build a matchless, blazing campfire over which we can cook whatever I catch with a fish trap made of tree limbs and duct tape. My wife couldn’t put up a pup-tent with video instructions. She couldn’t build a campfire fire with a load of gasoline-soaked logs and a blow-torch.

A guy can change the oil and oil filter on the car in thirty minutes but a woman thinks the red lights on the dash panel are pretty.

A guy can parallel park a truck in a shoe box while a woman will keep driving around the block until two more cars leave to make the space along the curb large enough to pull into without having to parallel park. That’s not quite fair to women. I have seen guys who shouldn’t be allowed to own a truck because they couldn’t park parallel to a curb if theirs was the only vehicle on the block.

The feline… I mean woman, will observe and respond while the guy, thinking it to be his role to lead, will take the initiative to get something started. For example, if a woman sitting at a table with several of her friends says, “watch this”, it probably means she is trying to direct the attention of her friends to some guy nearby who is about to do something stupid. If a guy, on the other hand, sitting with a group of his buddies says, “watch this”, it usually means he is about to do something stupid like suck Jell-O up his nose through a straw, or mount a surplus jet engine to his car to see if he can break the sound barrier (some Einstein actually did that!).

A man is too proud to allow anyone to think he doesn’t know how to do manly things, whether he does or not. A woman, on the other hand, is expert at using innocent naiveté.  “Oh, you’re so strong; can you put the couch over by the bay window”? Or, “should I use a steak knife to carve the turkey? You know so much more than I do about knives and cutting.”


It’s All About Feelings

As long as man is so full of pride (and himself) a woman need not know how to do anything. Well, that isn’t quite true either because there are many things that, in spite of his best efforts, man cannot do. I don’t mean the obvious physiological things like giving birth. A woman has a sense about her that men do not have. She can feel things that men cannot feel and express her feelings in a genuinely empathetic way. A guy can’t do this.

For example, let’s say there are two women having lunch together. The conversation might go something like this:

Diane: “I don’t think Frank loves me anymore.”

Roberta: “Oh no, honey, why would you think that?”

Diane (near tears): He used to come home from work and we would sit down and talk before dinner. Lately he’s been rushing into the house just in time to sit at the table and eat. After that he sits in front of the TV until bed time. Then we go to bed and get up the next day to start all over again.”

Roberta: Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I’m sure Frank still loves you. But he doesn’t realize how special you are. Maybe he’s distracted at work.”   

Now, consider two guys sitting in a boat fishing.

Bud: “I’m not sure but I think Diane might be thinking about leaving me.”

Bubba: “Oh yeh?”

Bud: “Yeh”

Bubba (hoping the subject changes): “It’s probably just one of them female things.”

Bud: “Ya think?”

Bubba: “Yeh, send her some flowers. Will ya hand me that bag of Oreos?”

Bud: “Whoa, gonna have to wait! I got a big one on the line.”

My wife and I complement each other. I have my strengths and she has hers. Together we make a good team and she need not be able to park a truck or navigate cross-country. But, if there is anything she cannot do, then she won’t hesitate to ask me to do it, and vice versa.

Man is not dumber than woman; he is just willing to do something really stupid, either to gain the attention of his female counterpart, trying to catch a few thrills, or simply acting out of boredom. I don’t know… perhaps man is dumber. But, this is the way it has always been and the way it always will be. Just observe and enjoy the show of male stupidity.

You win the fits.




4 responses

2 12 2010
Wendy Brown

so how long does it take man to realize this?? lol!

2 12 2010
Bill Taylor

What makes you think we ever do?

31 12 2010
ip network camera

You certainly deserve a round of applause for your post and more specifically, your blog in general. Very high quality material.

31 12 2010
Bill Taylor

Thank you for the kind words.

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