It’s A Guy Thing!

10 11 2010

I was with a group of business associates recently and among them was a man who claimed he had driven his motorcycle as fast as 175 MPH. He said he did this while wearing flip-flops and no helmet. A young woman among the group asked me why anyone would do such a thing. I told her it was for the thrill. It was the thrill of the speed and the thrill of cheating death. She said she couldn’t understand that so I told her it was a guy thing-not that this guy would ever do that.

As I thought about that later, it occurred to me that we guys do a lot of dumb things!

We stand peering into the refrigerator looking for something to eat even after we’ve examined every item inside and decided there is nothing that appeals to us. Do we think if we stand there a little longer perhaps something will appear? It’s a guy thing!

We leave things of value in hotel rooms in our haste to leave.

Why do we wait until we are hopelessly lost before we finally stop and ask directions? It’s a guy thing!

We get impatient and fidgety and become blind to the things that are right under our noses. So, why is it that the best place to hide something from a man is right in plain sight? It’s a guy thing!

We men never feel like we have the time to allow things to follow a natural course of action. We keep easing forward at the light; afraid the guy in the car next to us will get away ahead of us.

According to Freud- Siegfried, not Sigmund- men get anxious because most are type A personalities. As a result, most men want things to happen not now, but an hour ago. And because we are so anxious, according to Freud, we are unable to focus.

In his trademark German accent, Freud put it this way, “Der male est alvays doing, doing, und doing zome more. He est zee type A personality und does not have zee mental capacity for all zee doing he vants to do. Zee male mind vill not focus on zee tings und he es blind to zee tings in front of heemzelf.

When asked why men are this way, Freud responded, “Beats me”.

This habit goes back to the days of Adam and Eve. Remember, in their day there were no roads. There weren’t even foot paths. Adam and Eve had to blaze a trail, literally, for all mankind that would follow. Not only were there no roads, there were no gas stations at which to stop and ask directions. And, even if there had been no one they asked would have known directions to give them.

So, as they moved through the plush green garden, Eve would say something like, “I think we’re going in circles. Are you sure you know where you’re going? We’ve already passed that same rock three times. Can we stop for a minute? I have to use the bathroom”.

This doubt, of course, hurt Adam’s pride as a man but it also drove him nuts. These questions of hers suggested he was dumb-walking aimlessly without knowledge of where he was, where he had been and where he was going (some things never change!). Adam’s response was to walk faster in an effort to lose her. Stop? No way-she might catch up! It’s surprising their son, Able was the first murder victim.

Why do we throw the assembly instructions in the trash as soon as we open the box? Ever try to read instructions that have been translated from Chinese? Insert bolts (A) into holes (B). Apply Maytag (C) to each bolt and secure with cashews (D). It’s a guy thing!

Actually, it happened this way.

Queen Maria, the seventh wife of King Fernando IX of San Marco Island, had a brother, Juan de Gomez, who was pretty much a ner-do-well. The queen wanted him to be a knight so she put pressure on the king until he relented. But, while he reluctantly agreed to knight Juan, he told Queen Maria that he would not support him financially. He was on his own.

Juan didn’t have much money and when it came time to get his suit of armor he couldn’t afford to buy the entire suit. With what little money he had, the best he could afford was the pants. That’s fine if all you’re going to do is chase rabbits through the briar patch; but, it doesn’t help you much in a jousting competition.

Fortunately, Juan knew a friend of a friend who was a blacksmith that sold wholesale. The only thing was, the suit came unassembled. The owner had to put it together himself. The good news was, it came with a set of written instructions for assembly. The bad news was, the instructions weren’t very good, but better than nothing, Juan thought.

Juan wasn’t very handy with a set of wrenches but he muddled through the process, following the directions to the letter, and was able to get the suit together. It looked sort of like Johnny Cash’s Cadillac which he got one piece at a time.

In his first jousting competition, just as the tip of his opponent’s lance was about to invade Juan’s personal space, his breastplate fell off. Juan was skewered like a gopher over a campfire.

When she learned of his death, the queen was livid. She ordered the scribe who wrote the assembly manual to be beheaded.  To be sure everyone knew why the scribe was being put to death, the queen had Juan’s body, with a gaping hole in the chest, displayed by the gallows. People could walk by and pay their respects to Juan and then cheer the executioner on.

 Juan’s body was a frightful sight and when people saw it they became afraid to use any kind of assembly instructions for fear something similar might happen to them. From that point on, every time a man opened the box containing his armor kit the first thing he would do was throw out the instructions.

But that’s not the end of the story. For months the death of Juan de Gomez and his frightful viewing at the gallows was the talk of the town, especially among San Marco Islanders on the golf course. One would say to the other, “Did you see that hole in Juan?” and the rest, as they say, is history.

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2 responses

11 11 2010
Jackie Garner

laughing so hard my sides hurt did not see that one coming

11 11 2010
Bill Taylor

Thats a real feather in my cap when I can make a clown laugh!

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