Everybody Wants to be a Handyman!

30 09 2010

If you’re a fan of HGTV then you have a pretty good idea of the plethora of programs showing viewers how to save money by repairing the leaky faucet, installing the brick patio themselves, or building the one bedroom mother-in-law house out back. The people on these shows are really good at what they do and make it look so simple that many viewers actually feel they can make a trip to Lowes and remodel their kitchen over the weekend. Hey, if Ty Pennington can build an entire house in seven days then any amateur should be able to build a new deck in a weekend, right? This poem is dedicated to them.

I told my wife that I could cut that doorway to the hall

And not to call a carpenter

“cause I could do it all.

I gathered up my handy tools

And started in a flash.

I’ll do the job myself, I thought

And save a little cash.


Should've hired a professional!

I took my Black and Decker saw

And cut into the wall.

I hadn’t gotten very far

When it began to stall.

So, I gave it one strong push

And finally freed the blade

Then right away I realized

The big mistake I’d made.

I’d cut right through a water pipe

I’d cut it clean in two.

Water was gushing everywhere.

Oh what was I to do?

I’d never seen a mess like that

Why, water was everywhere!

It was running out into the hall

It was pouring down the stair.

I made a mad dash for the valve

To try to stop the flow

But when I tried to turn it off

The valve refused to go.

So I ran down to the street

To shut the valve off there

But all the lights in the house went out

As I was halfway down the stair.

The water’d trickled down the wall

And shorted out a fuse

And for a moment I had a vision

Of me on the evening news.

In the dark and ankle-deep

I slipped and tumbled down.

But made it out to where the valve

was buried in the ground.

The water stopped so I returned

To see what lay ahead

And grabbed my flashlight just to learn

The batteries were dead.

So, I stumbled in the dark

And finally lit a candle

But the hot wax running down my hand

Made it too hot to handle.

I dropped the candle on the floor

The rug began to burn.

My feeling now was well past calm

And one of great concern.

I needed water right away

To get the fire put out

But when I opened the kitchen tap

Not a drop came out.

I soaked a towel on the stairs

And threw it on the fire.

It only burned a circle

About the size of a tractor tire.

I roughly estimated the damage

And figured two months wages.

My wife told me that in the future

She’d consult the yellow pages.

She said it was good I paid the insurance

That was due a month ago.

I remembered the check I’d forgotten to mail

And told my wife, “uh oh”.

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One response

5 10 2010
Jackie Garner

you need to write a book with nothing but your funny poems……loveit

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